In what's kind of a follow up to my last writeup, I wanted to say that recent events have shown me just how much I like my personal space. Like, I really, REALLY like my personal space.
Most of my friends and associates would say I'm social. I consider myself quite friendly I love meeting new people. Hell, occasionally I'll party with friends till the break of dawn. I can be very "outside" if I meed to be.
As I've previously mentioned, my social batteries get drained after a long enough time outside, after which I withdraw to the safety of my solitude. An,d when I'm inside, I'm very inside. #insidelife.
Anyone who's read anything I've written here knows how much I like spending time alone. It gives me time to reflect, create and do things at my own pace. Bringing people into that space often creates a disturbance in the force, which affects all of those things.
I don't know how or when it started, but at a point, I became unable to fully focus whenever I had someone in the same living space as me. For instance, my house manager often gets to my apartment after I've left for work, and leaves before I get back. For a few days, I was getting home earlier because I had a few personal calls to make from the house. And I realized that I was quite uncomfortable just knowing she was around. I had some work I'd taken home, but I couldn't make any progress on it until she'd left the house. For some reason, I was internally disturbed until I was alone in the house.
When it comes to disturbances, some are greater than others. There are all sorts of people that could be in our personal space; household staff that we know, workers and artisans that we may or may not know, family, friends and lovers/partners.
With staff, the experience is as I described it above. With friends visiting briefly, I don't feel that much anxiety. I can handle friends. As adults, we hardly get to see each other as much as we should. Everyone's busy living their lives, so when friends come over there's a lot of catch up on. The time usually flies, and before long they have to leave, to get back to living their various lives. And I have my space back. It's a different case if a friend comes to sleep over for several days. I love my friends, but after a while I definitely start craving my space. I remember a few occasions when friends came to stay over for a few days, and at a point, I was willling to pay for them to get a hotel, or to get one for myself while they stayed at the apartment. Nothing wrong with them at all. Amazing people, loved spending time with them, great conversations. But after a while I just wanted to be alone. In the same way, I'm never comfortable with crashing at a mate's crib for more than a day or two. I think there's only one friend who I've stayed with for more than 4 days, and that's because she was hardly ever at the house.
Top tier disturbance of the force definitely comes from a lover/partner. By merit of their status, they tend to be close by a lot of the time. And that's fair. That said, however, it doesn't make it any easier managing the disturbance, and I'm always faced with the challenge of creating space for myself while not making my counterpart think I'm allergic to them. Having an easygoing, understanding partner makes it easier. If you don't have one of those, prepare for a lot of strife. What I've found to be important is just making it clear to intimate partners that I like, and need my space. I'm of the opinion that both partners need their space. And it's necessarily to find a partner that's on the same wavelength.
As for the source of this space craving phenomenon within me, I'm still relatively clueless. I went to a boarding school where everyone was in your space, and was fine with it. I had roommates throughout college and was fine with most of them. Perhaps if just been grinning and bearing it all those years while subconsciously seeking silence? Or perhaps, as an adult there's just a lot more serious life stuff to handle and I do my best handling when I'm undisturbed? Maybe elements of all that? I don't know. But if I ever get a light bulb moment, I'll let you know.
I relate SO much to this (not the bit about being considered social). As to why 'the way of solitude' (for me) - good question. I don't know that I've ever pondered that. I simply came to recognise it as a fact of life.